How to evict a groundhog

If you have ever seen a ground hog you know it is a vegetarian that digs a hole in the ground, usually in the middle of a field and tries to live a quiet life. Usually the hole is somewhere you don’t want it to be and a lot of time it is where other animals can get hurt by stepping in them. Most farmers don’t enjoy them very much and will go to great lengths to eradicate them.

When I grew up in the country we had another name for them, “whistle pigs”. If you whistle at the proper tone to them they would whistle back to you. It was an amusing past time to get the groundhogs to communicate with us.

I had left work early one evening and my wife was supposed to pick me up later that day so I sent her a text and told her to pick me up early. I planned on starting out on foot so I wouldn’t be caught by a supervisor and asked to work longer than what was my exit plan.

I started to walk up a hill on the way home to a bridge that crossed the railroad tracks and I saw some thistle flowers that my wife had mentioned a few days before that she liked. They are like purple fuzz balls with a really nice fragrance. I decided that I was going to surprise her with one of these little beauties. I pulled out my pocket knife, leaned over the guard rail, and cut off a flower for her.

Suddenly something started growling at me, growling is the best description I can think of at this time, and the little varmint came running out of its hole full speed at me like a Japanese bullet train. I jumped back, and was able to outpace this little hell bent bastard on wheels.

When my wife finally caught up to me I relayed my story to her, she laughed so hard she didn’t realize until later that I had given her the flower. She said she wished she could have seen my chubby butt haul ass from that harmless little animal. It was the highlight of her day.

I know that this is a pointless story but my point is that ground hogs are nuisance and most farmers (country and urban) have trouble with them so here is a solution to detour these little imps from entertaining the use of your property as its home.

Step one; find you a big strong Neanderthal of a man, one whom doesn’t mind exposing himself to the elements. Step two; ask him to pee in the ground hogs hole without explaining why, because he would be laughing too hard to take proper aim(then disaster would strike). Yes, I said man-pee in ground hog hole. You can get plenty of it and it is free.  

There are some chemicals in a man’s pee that those little beastly critters don’t like. If you try it with a woman’s pee it will have no effect. Man-pee works for squirrels also, you just have to figure how to get it up into the tree.

Usually if you have a sprayer you can use it to spray it in the tree I do recommend diluting it with water a bit so a little can go a long way.

Having a dog can helps as a deterrent they consistently patrol your yard and garden for invaders and they love to chase other animals. Remember you still have to feed the dog and do the pooper scooper thing.

These are a few ways to evict critters that are not beneficial to your home and garden. My dad swears by them and in most cases they do work. Remember animals can overcome most obstacles when they want something bad enough.

Those damn geese: those tasty geese

           When growing up approximately a long time ago about twenty miles from what is now considered civilization, my family lived in the Appalachian foothills in southeast Ohio. We lived on a small farm and possessed many animals including some very overbearing geese.

My dad thought it was important to have a guard dog so someone donated two geese to him. These water fowl were beautiful and grey and vocal and I thought for a moment that it might be a good thing to have these critters added to our family.

            I made the first effort to befriend these wonderful animals and was bitten for it. New animals are always nervous when they first meet you so I let it slide. I left them alone for some time until they started nesting under the barn. Wouldn’t you know it the female put an egg in a nest she had built and my mother wanted it.

            My mother, in all of her wisdom and love for me, decided it was a good idea for me to go get the egg under the ruse that she was going to make a cake with it. I went to go get the egg like a loyal dog going after a news paper for her, not knowing what was in store for me. The action my mother encouraged me to take caused the evil beasts to unleashed their terror upon me...and unleash they did.  At first they spread their wings and started hissing at me, warning me not to take the course of action I had embarked upon. That did not persuade me to change my course, and I knew my mother was going to protect me from any danger.

I walked right up to the goose and attempted to move her off the nest like I would have a chicken to get the egg and the gander attacked. He started flogging me and biting me and as I turned to defend myself the hen attacked me. While I was being attacked by these vicious demonic animals my mother walked up laughing and took the egg from the nest herself. Lesson learned; never trust a woman and I also did not see the cake either.

            I had to continue to watch out for myself because these were truly evil beasts they would attack anything. When people would come to our home to visit we would have to escort them from their car like a presidential security team so they would not be attacked. When they would leave the geese would chase the cars like rabid dogs biting at their tires.

Every morning the geese would wait outside my front door and bite me on the butt all the way to the school bus. I was gaining a respectful fear of them because they thought it was fun to harass me. One day, I saw the gander sneak up behind my dad and bite him. My dad, being the person that he was, never took any crap from animals. He grabbed the goose by the head and drug it down the driveway about ten feet and let it go. The goose not liking this much took off honking. They didn’t bother my dad much after that.

One morning those hateful animals were laying in wait for me as usual and I knew what was coming. After seeing what my dad the day before I felt I could mimic him. So gathering every ounce of courage I could muster I ran out the door as fast as I could. I snatched one of them by the head and drug it all the way to the school bus.

 I felt like I had defeated my arch enemy from a comic book and the world was saved by my actions. Well maybe my world but it was saved none the less. I felt like I could defeat anything with the power of the drag, which was given to me by my father.

I got on the school bus and rode it to school. I was in the first grade and was learning some very important stuff.  It was really a good day for me.

After school I got on the bus and went home. The goose was still lying were I left it, right in the middle of the driveway. I had inadvertently broken the goose’s neck. It was delicious tasted, a little greasy, but it was only a goose.